Why Am I So Scared Of Others Dying?

Understanding the Fear and Anxiety Surrounding the Illness of Loved Ones: A Psychological and Biological Perspective

Grief, anxiety, and fear are powerful emotions that often surface in response to loss. After losing multiple loved ones in a short period, the feelings of panic, anxiety, and overwhelming fear surrounding the possibility of others becoming unwell or dying are entirely understandable. In fact, these feelings are often linked to a combination of psychological, biological, and emotional factors that play a crucial role in how we process both grief and the potential for future loss.

1. Understanding the Roots of Anxiety and Fear After Loss

The fear you are feeling when a loved one is unwell is not uncommon, especially for someone who has experienced significant loss. Let’s break down why this happens, starting with the basic psychological processes that come into play:

Post-Traumatic Stress Response

When we lose someone we love, we experience a form of trauma, and this can lead to what is known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Post-Traumatic Stress Symptoms (PTSS). This trauma can leave a lasting imprint on the brain, especially if the loss was sudden or emotionally overwhelming. Studies show that experiencing the death of a loved one can heighten vulnerability to anxiety and fear, as the emotional impact of the trauma can cause a heightened state of alertness, known as hyper vigilance.

This hyper vigilance is your brain’s way of trying to protect you from further emotional pain. Your mind becomes conditioned to expect bad news, and when a loved one falls ill, your body reacts as though it’s preparing for another loss, triggering heightened fear, panic, and anxiety.

The Fear of Repetition

Losing multiple loved ones in a short period can create a sense of fatalism. The fear that "this will happen again" may feel overwhelming and persistent. This is a form of anticipatory grief, which is the emotional response to the possibility of losing someone before it actually happens.

When someone we love is sick, especially if their illness is severe, our minds are often consumed with the worst-case scenario: that they will die as well. This stems from a natural emotional response to uncertainty and fear of the unknown. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), anticipatory grief is a normal and often underestimated experience for those who are facing the potential loss of a loved one. However, it can easily spiral into chronic anxiety if left unchecked.

Biological Underpinnings of Anxiety

From a biological perspective, your body reacts to the stress of potential loss with a physiological stress response, which includes an increase in the production of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones prepare your body to “fight or flight” in response to a perceived threat. The problem is that when this response is prolonged—such as when the illness of a loved one triggers memories of past losses—it can lead to an ongoing state of heightened anxiety.

The brain’s amygdala, the part responsible for processing emotions like fear, becomes overactive in situations like these. When this happens, your body may feel flooded with panic, restlessness, and dread. Research has shown that when the amygdala is overactive, individuals are more likely to experience feelings of heightened fear, panic, and irrational anxiety.

Cognitive Distortions and Catastrophic Thinking

In the wake of loss, many people are more likely to engage in catastrophic thinking, a form of cognitive distortion where we imagine the worst possible outcome. For example, when a loved one becomes ill, you might find yourself thinking, “If they’re sick, they’ll probably die, just like everyone else I’ve lost.”

This is a natural psychological response to grief, but when catastrophic thinking takes hold, it can magnify anxiety and panic. The more you fixate on worst-case scenarios, the more your body responds with fear and panic.

2. The Science of Anxiety and the Role of the Nervous System

The experience of panic, anxiety, and fear is tied to your autonomic nervous system (ANS), which is responsible for regulating bodily functions like heart rate, digestion, and respiratory rate. There are two branches of the ANS:

• The sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is responsible for the "fight or flight" response. When activated, it prepares your body to deal with danger or stress.
• The parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), on the other hand, is responsible for the "rest and digest" functions, helping to calm the body down after a stressful event.

When you experience anxiety or panic over the illness of a loved one, your SNS is activated, and you might experience symptoms such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, or dizziness. Unfortunately, once the SNS is activated, it can be difficult for the PNS to engage effectively, keeping you trapped in a cycle of heightened anxiety and physical symptoms.

3. How to Break Free: Tips to Manage Anxiety and Fear About Loss

While the anxiety and fear surrounding the illness of loved ones are deeply rooted in both emotional and biological factors, there are concrete steps you can take to help reduce these feelings and regain a sense of control:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions

The first step in managing your fear and anxiety is recognising that what you're experiencing is completely natural. Your feelings are valid. It's normal to feel fear after experiencing multiple losses. In fact, acknowledging your fear rather than suppressing it can help you process your emotions more effectively. Self-compassion is key. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be scared, but also recognise that you don’t need to live in a constant state of panic.

2. Grounding Techniques to Calm the Nervous System

When you feel anxiety or panic building, grounding exercises can help to activate your parasympathetic nervous system and bring you back to the present moment. Some common grounding techniques include:

• Deep Breathing: Focus on slow, deep breaths. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, and exhale for 4. This activates the PNS and helps to lower heart rate.
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes up to your head. This helps to alleviate physical tension.
• 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Focus on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This helps shift your focus away from the anxiety-provoking thoughts.

3. Challenge Catastrophic Thoughts

Be mindful of catastrophic thinking, and try to re frame your thoughts. Instead of thinking, “If they’re sick, they’re going to die,” try replacing it with, “They are sick, but that doesn’t mean they will die right now. There are ways to manage illness.” Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is an effective tool to help you identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

4. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Engaging in physical activity, practising mindfulness or meditation, and talking to a therapist can help alleviate the anxiety associated with loss. These activities can activate the body’s relaxation response, promote emotional healing, and help you build resilience. Mindfulness, for instance, allows you to stay present rather than getting lost in future fears.

5. Seek Support from Loved Ones or Professionals

Talking about your fears and anxieties can significantly reduce their power. Whether it’s confiding in a close friend, joining a support group for those who have experienced loss, or working with a therapist, sharing your feelings can help you process them more effectively. Grief counsellors or therapists specialising in trauma can help guide you through these emotional challenges.

4. Conclusion: Navigating Anxiety After Loss

The fear, panic, and anxiety you experience when loved ones are unwell are deeply rooted in both the emotional impact of past losses and the biological mechanisms of the body’s stress response. Recognising that these feelings are normal can be the first step toward managing them. By acknowledging your fears, challenging negative thoughts, and using grounding techniques, you can reduce anxiety and regain a sense of control.

Healing after loss is a gradual process. Give yourself the time, space, and support you need, and remember that while the fear may never fully disappear, with the right tools, you can learn to manage it and move forward with more peace and resilience.

By understanding the scientific basis of your anxiety, you can approach the situation with more awareness and compassion for yourself. You are not alone in this, and help is available.